Comedy, at its best, deals with intractable human dilemmas. Here, Bud Abbott (Dexter Broadhurst) and Lou Costello (Sebastian Dinwiddie) confront a classic problem--the breakdown in communication when people use the same words in different contexts. The comic agony is as fresh for us today as it was for audiences 29 years ago.
Sebastian: Peanuts!
Dexter: Peanuts!
Sebastian: Popcorn!
Dexter: Popcorn!
Sebastian: Crackerjack!
Dexter: Crackerjack!
Sebastian: Get your packages of Crackerjack here!
Dexter: --Crackerjack--will you keep quiet? Sebastian! Sebastian, please! Don't interrupt my act!
Sebastian: Ladies and gentlemen and also the children--will you excuse me for a minute. please? Thank you.
Dexter: What do you want to do?
Sebastian: Look, Mr. Broadhurst--
Dexter: What are you doing?
Sebastian: I love baseball!
Dexter: Well, we all love baseball.
Sebastian: When we get to St. Louis, will you tell me the guys' names on the team so when I go to see them in that St. Louis ball park I'll be able to know those fellows?
Dexter: Then you'll go and peddle your popcorn and don't interrupt the act anymore?
Sebastian: Yes, sir.
Dexter: All right. But you know, strange as it may seem, they give baseball players nowadays very peculiar names.
Sebastian: Funny names?
Dexter: Nicknames, Nicknames.
Sebastian: Not--not as funny as my name--Sebastian Dinwiddie.
Dexter: Yes, Oh, yes, yes, yes.
Sebastian: Funnier than that?
Dexter: Oh, absolutely. Yes. Now on the St. Louis team we have who's on first, What's on second, I Don't Know is on third--
Sebastian: That's what I want to find out. I want you to tell me the names of the fellows on the St. Louis team.
Dexter: I'm telling you. Who's on first, what's on second, I Don't Know is on third--
Sebastian: You know the fellows' names?
Dexter: Yes.
Sebastian: Well, then, who's playin' first?
Dexter: Yes!
Sebastian: I mean the fellow's name on first base.
Dexter: Who.
Sebastian: The guy on first base.
Dexter: Who is on first.
Sebastian: Well, what are you asking me for?
Dexter: I'm not asking you--I'm telling you. Who is on first.
Sebastian: I'm asking you--Who's on first?
Dexter: That's the man's name.
Sebastian: That's whose name?
Dexter: Yes.
Sebastian: Well, go ahead and tell me!
Dexter: Who.
Sebastian: The guy on first.
Dexter: Who.
Sebastian: The first baseman.
Dexter: Who is on first.
Sebastian: Have you got a first baseman on first?
Dexter: Certainly.
Sebastian: Then who's playing first?
Dexter: Absolutely.
Sebastian: When you pay off the first baseman every month, who gets the money?
Dexter: Every dollar of it. And why not, the man's entitled to it.
Sebastian: Who is?
Dexter: Yes.
Sebastian: So who gets it?
Dexter: Why shouldn't he? Sometimes his wife comes down and collects it.
Sebastian: Whose wife?
Dexter: Yes. After all, the man earns it.
Sebastian: Who does?
Dexter: Absolutely.
Sebastian: Well, all I'm trying to find out is what's the guy's name on first base.
Dexter: Oh, no, no. What is on second base.
Sebastian: I'm not asking you who's on second.
Dexter: Who's on first.
Sebastian: That's what I'm trying to find out.
Dexter: Well, don't change the players around.
Sebastian: I'm not changing nobody.
Dexter: Now, take it easy.
Sebastian: What's the guy's name on first base?
Dexter: What's the guy's name on second base.
Sebastian: I'm not askin' ya who's on second.
Dexter: Who's on first.
Sebastian: I don't know.
Dexter: He's on third. We're not talking about him.
Sebastian: How could I get on third base?
Dexter: You mentioned his name.
Sebastian: If I mentioned the third baseman's name, who did I say is playing third?
Dexter: No, Who's playing first.
Sebastian: Stay offa first, will ya?
Dexter: Well, what do you want me to do?
Sebastian: Now what's the guy's name on first base?
Dexter: What's on second.
Sebastian: I'm not asking ya who's on second.
Dexter: Who's on first.
Sebastian: I don't know.
Dexter: He's got third.
Sebastian: There I go back onto third again.
Dexter: Well, I can't change their names.
Sebastian: Say, will you please stay on third base, Mr. Broadhurst.
Dexter: Please. Now, what is it you want to know?
Sebastian: What's the fellow's name on third base?
Dexter: What is the fellow's name on second base.
Sebastian: I'm not askin' ya who's on second.
Dexter: Who's on first.
Sebastian: I don't know.
Dexter and Sebastian: Third Base!
Sebastian: You got a pitcher on the team?
Dexter: Wouldn't this be a fine team without a pitcher?
Sebastian: I don't know. Tell me the pitchers name.
Dexter: Tomorrow.
Sebastian: You don't want to tell me today?
Dexter: I'm telling you, man.
Sebastian: Then go ahead.
Dexter: Tomorrow.
Sebastian: What time?
Dexter: What time what?
Sebastian: What time tomorrow are you gonna tell me who's pitching?
Dexter: Now 'listen, Who is not pitching. Who is on--
Sebastian: I'll break your arm if you say who's on first.
Dexter: Then why come up here and ask?
Sebastian: I want to know what's the pitcher's name.
Dexter: What's on second.
Sebastian: I don't know.
Sebastian and Dexter: Third base!
Sebastian: Gotta catcher?
Dexter: Yes.
Sebastian: I'm a good catcher, too, you know.
Dexter: I know that.
Sebastian: I would like to play for the St. Louis team.
Dexter: Well, I might arrange that.
Sebastian: I would like to catch. Now, I'm being a good catcher, Tomorrow's pitching on the team, and I'm catching.
Dexter: Yes.
Sebastian: Tomorrow throws the ball and the guy up bunts the ball.
Dexter: Yes.
Sebastian: Now, when he bunts the ball--me being a good catcher--I want to throw the guy out at first base, so I pick up the ball and throw it to who?
Dexter: Now that's the first thing you've said right.
Sebastian: I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT.
Dexter: Well, that's all you have to do.
Sebastian: Is to throw it to first base.
Dexter: Yes.
Sebastian: Now who's got it?
Dexter: Naturally.
Sebastian: Who has it?
Dexter: Naturally.
Sebastian: Naturally.
Dexter: Naturally.
Sebastian: O.K.
Dexter: Now you've got it.
Sebastian: I pick up the ball and I throw it to Naturally.
Dexter: No you don't, you throw the ball to first base.
Sebastian: Then who gets it?
Dexter: Naturally.
Sebastian: O.K.
Dexter: All right.
Sebastian: I throw the ball to Naturally.
Dexter: You don't. You throw it to Who.
Sebastian: Naturally.
Dexter: Well, naturally. Say it that way.
Sebastian: That's what I said.
Dexter: You did not.
Sebastian: I said I'd throw the ball to Naturally.
Dexter: You don't. You throw it to Who.
Sebastian: Naturally.
Dexter: Yes.
Sebastian: So I throw the ball to first base. and Naturally gets it.
Dexter: No. You throw the ball to first base--
Sebastian: Then who gets it?
Dexter: Naturally.
Sebastian: That's what I'm saying.
Dexter: You're not saying that.
Sebastian: Excuse me, folks.
Dexter: Now, don't get excited. Now, don't get excited.
Sebastian: I throw the ball to first base.
Dexter: Then Who gets it!
Sebastian: He better get it.
Dexter: That's it. All right now, don't get excited. Take it easy.
Sebastian: Now I throw the ball to first base, whoever it is grabs the ball, so the guy, runs to second. '
Dexter: Uh-huh.
Sebastian: Who picks up the ball and throws it to What. What throws it to I Don't Know, and I Don't Know throws it back to Tomorrow--a triple play.
Dexter: Yeah. It could be.
Sebastian: And I don't care.
Dexter: What was that?
Sebastian: I said, I Don't Care.
Dexter: Oh, that's our shortstop!
--Author: Bud Abbot and Lou Costello
--Source: OCR scan of a copy of text typed on a manual typewriter by LeRoy Behling (with some minor corrections for OCR and typing errors and to clean up the formatting)
Assuming the original performance year being referenced was 1938, the introductory paragraph was written around 1967 and likely published in a periodical of some kind (newspaper, Reader's Digest, magazine, etc.) from which LeRoy Behling hand-typed his copy. This skit was performed many different ways over the years and it is not known which performance this transcript is from.