Mrs. Nine Miles

When I first come to this country I see something white, spotted and brown. First I think it was a porky pine; then I think it was a bagger. So I up with my old fuzee and let loose at it. The first time I hit it, I missed it. The second time I hit it right where I missed it the first time and it fell over and lit on my little poodle dog and brake it's blamed neck.

Then I think I go home and see my wife, who is very sick. When I get there, she stands wide open the door, sick-a-bed upstairs in the wood box.

Then I think I go out in the back yard and climb up the old apple tree to get some peaches to make a plum pie for dinner. When I get out there I see every blamed punkin in the hog patch. So I dogs meself around and every blambed punkin grabbed a hog in it's mouth and run through the devil like the fence was after it.

Then I think I go down and see Mrs. nine miles. So I jumped straddle the back of my old pack mule; put both legs on one side and galloped off to see Mrs. nine miles. When I get there I yell, Mrs. nine miles!--Mrs. nine miles! She jumped the bed up, run the stairs down, poked the window out of her face and said, "Huh?"

I say, "You got any pretty girls down here?" She say, "Yah, we got three of 'um, only two of 'ums married and one's a boy."

Then I say, "You got any good corn licker?"

She say, "Yah, we got lots of it, but it's all drunk up."

Then I think I go home and get my brother's brains to blow my gun out; cause I'd just as soon live as to die.

--Author: unknown
--Source: OCR scan of a copy of text typed on a manual typewriter by LeRoy Behling (with some minor corrections for OCR errors and to clean up the formatting)

If there is any story that Grandpa Behling told more than any other, it is this one.  All of the grandkids asked him to recite it on multiple occassions (to the annoyance of other adults, I'm sure, but the kids all loved it).